Thank you. I found this really timely as I struggle with this a lot. I am a dentist and there is such pressure in the medical provider community to have a fancy car, a huge house, travel to exotic places, etcetera, to show other that you have found success. To me, there is a bit of angst once you achieve those things- the upkeep, the desire to keep having more, it never ends does it? Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough because I don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses but at other times, I wonder, should I be embarrassed that I have a small, albeit clean and cozy, house. Sorry for the ramble!
Indeed, it does not ever end and it is never enough. I guess I am lucky that as a writer there are no Joneses that I feel pressured to keep up with. I don't know about your field or community, but I suspect there are just as many people who would be pleased to see that their dentist drives a sensible car and has a modest home: I know I would be.
Cultivating the ability to not care what people think about your choices is one of the most liberating things you can do in life. I'm a huge fan of an inexpensive wedding and living in line with your values rather than what you're "supposed" to value.
“Who cares what they think” is a great attitude. It took me 25 years to find dining room chairs that I liked, we sat on any old junk until I found them. I didn't care what they thought; do it once and get it right.
When my husband and I talked about getting married, I told him that if he proposed with a ring that cost more than an international plane ticket in 2017, I would turn him down. He went to three different jewelers who told him I was lying. The fourth jeweler believed him/me but didn't have what he needed so he sent him to the jeweler across the street. who helped him find the perfect small emerald ring for me. We went back to the same jeweler for our wedding bands and had a great experience. Almost seven years later, we both still talk about how much we love this ring. No "upgrades" for us!
I think my parents taught me that it’s perfectly fine to be proud of the life you build, but it’s not really yours if you don’t actually own it. So if it’s all on credit and monthly payments … is it really yours to be proud of? Having written that down, it sounds very harsh and judgmental. My family stands on the shoulders of my parents and grandparents, all people who had help starting out and valued modest living that was actually theirs instead of leveraging. All that to say I didn’t get here on my own, and many people can’t live debt-free, but I do think a lot more could if “keeping-up-with-the-Jones” wasn’t always the goal.
I think what's so hard is that we never know if the people with the fabulous wardrobe, beautiful home, and nice car are leveraged to the hilt (or if they inherited wealth). So we all just end up feeling less-than. I have to remind myself all the time that having no debt is more important than all those material things.
In 1990, our wedding cost was under $1,000. I’m so thankful that we didn’t go into debt for a more lavish wedding. Most of my friends that had more expensive weddings ended up divorced after a few years. It’s 2024, and we’re still married…3 kids and 7 grand babies later.
I didn't end up including it in this essay, but this writing was partly inspired by a study that showed that women whose engagement rings cost more than $20,000 were 3.5 times more likely to get divorced compared to those with less expensive rings and that people who spent less on their wedding were more likely to stay together!
This made my heart so happy, Laura. I love this perspective. I too bought a modest Zales wedding band back in 2013 just a few weeks before my wedding. We couldn't really afford anything else at the time, and I still wear it to this day. I've considered "upgrading it" a few times over the years (like on my 10 year anniversary last year) but could never bring myself to do it. The old one fits me like a glove and there are so many other ways I'd rather spend that money.
We don’t call our (2,300 sq ft) home our starter home, but it’s funny when other people (including family) do. It’s just the right fit for us! Although I do sometimes dream of a grand future home, I’m realizing that if we never moved again, I would still love this house. It makes me wonder how many people actually stay in a house long enough to pay off their 30-year mortgage.
Whenever we think about moving to a larger home, we ask ourselves, "Would we be any happier?" So far, the answer has never been yes, but that may change someday. I may get the chance to see my 15-year paid off ;)
My husband and I eloped instead of doing the whole wedding thing (certainly helped that I was far more enchanted by the 1940s movie courthouse elopements than traditional weddings)—we married young and spent the money we’d saved from summer gigs to go to Switzerland for two weeks—still don’t regret it!
My husband and I bought our car used and have now had it almost 11 years. Would we enjoy having a newer car? Likely yes. But it’s also wonderful to own this one and not need to make monthly payments, so we’re sticking it out until it’s essential to upgrade.
We finally had to break down and buy a new-to-us car last year--I was really hoping we could get a few more years out of ours. Wishing you better luck!
Lovely post, and I completely agree with you. We were students when my husband and I met. My original engagement ring was bought for $5 from a street vendor. My husband chose to sell his flute for $200 (which he didn't play any more anyway) because he wanted to get me another ring, then wore my original engagement ring as his wedding band until it wore through and broke a few years later, replaced with a $30 band from Best Buy. I was flabbergasted when I first heard the expression "starter ring" a few years ago-- I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to keep the rings with which they pledged their love.
Mostly I haven't cared a lot what other people think; it's probably easier for me because by nature I am thrifty, resourceful, and have always taken great enjoyment in seeing the potential in items and re-using what would be thrown away-- starting way back when I used my mom's empty thread spools to make tables for my Kiddles dolls. It was always so much more fun to repurpose than get new, pre-made things. I loved going with my mom to thrift and antique stores, looking at old treasures, the wonderful patina of used items, unmatched furniture. The regrets I have are usually about clothes, because I have absolutely no sense of fashion, so too many times I have spent more than I should/wanted on clothing other people recommended because of my uncertainty. I admire how other people look and dress; I just can't put things together, and it's really hard to find clothes that fit me well at 6' tall and slender (taller doesn't necessarily mean bigger!). I'm still no good at it, but at least now nearly all the clothes I buy are secondhand so the investment isn't huge if something doesn't work out, and the only things I buy new are those I am certain about that will last a very long time and are from a company I support for reasons beyond the excellent quality and liking what they make.
Thank you. I found this really timely as I struggle with this a lot. I am a dentist and there is such pressure in the medical provider community to have a fancy car, a huge house, travel to exotic places, etcetera, to show other that you have found success. To me, there is a bit of angst once you achieve those things- the upkeep, the desire to keep having more, it never ends does it? Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough because I don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses but at other times, I wonder, should I be embarrassed that I have a small, albeit clean and cozy, house. Sorry for the ramble!
Indeed, it does not ever end and it is never enough. I guess I am lucky that as a writer there are no Joneses that I feel pressured to keep up with. I don't know about your field or community, but I suspect there are just as many people who would be pleased to see that their dentist drives a sensible car and has a modest home: I know I would be.
I never thought of it that way!
Cultivating the ability to not care what people think about your choices is one of the most liberating things you can do in life. I'm a huge fan of an inexpensive wedding and living in line with your values rather than what you're "supposed" to value.
“Who cares what they think” is a great attitude. It took me 25 years to find dining room chairs that I liked, we sat on any old junk until I found them. I didn't care what they thought; do it once and get it right.
YES! Christene Barberich recently wrote about an old boss who carried a paper bag until she could find a purse she really loved.
When my husband and I talked about getting married, I told him that if he proposed with a ring that cost more than an international plane ticket in 2017, I would turn him down. He went to three different jewelers who told him I was lying. The fourth jeweler believed him/me but didn't have what he needed so he sent him to the jeweler across the street. who helped him find the perfect small emerald ring for me. We went back to the same jeweler for our wedding bands and had a great experience. Almost seven years later, we both still talk about how much we love this ring. No "upgrades" for us!
Love this story and the jeweler who understood the assignment ❤️!
I think my parents taught me that it’s perfectly fine to be proud of the life you build, but it’s not really yours if you don’t actually own it. So if it’s all on credit and monthly payments … is it really yours to be proud of? Having written that down, it sounds very harsh and judgmental. My family stands on the shoulders of my parents and grandparents, all people who had help starting out and valued modest living that was actually theirs instead of leveraging. All that to say I didn’t get here on my own, and many people can’t live debt-free, but I do think a lot more could if “keeping-up-with-the-Jones” wasn’t always the goal.
I think what's so hard is that we never know if the people with the fabulous wardrobe, beautiful home, and nice car are leveraged to the hilt (or if they inherited wealth). So we all just end up feeling less-than. I have to remind myself all the time that having no debt is more important than all those material things.
In 1990, our wedding cost was under $1,000. I’m so thankful that we didn’t go into debt for a more lavish wedding. Most of my friends that had more expensive weddings ended up divorced after a few years. It’s 2024, and we’re still married…3 kids and 7 grand babies later.
I didn't end up including it in this essay, but this writing was partly inspired by a study that showed that women whose engagement rings cost more than $20,000 were 3.5 times more likely to get divorced compared to those with less expensive rings and that people who spent less on their wedding were more likely to stay together!
This made my heart so happy, Laura. I love this perspective. I too bought a modest Zales wedding band back in 2013 just a few weeks before my wedding. We couldn't really afford anything else at the time, and I still wear it to this day. I've considered "upgrading it" a few times over the years (like on my 10 year anniversary last year) but could never bring myself to do it. The old one fits me like a glove and there are so many other ways I'd rather spend that money.
Awww, glad there's another cherished Zale's ring out in the Living Small community.
We don’t call our (2,300 sq ft) home our starter home, but it’s funny when other people (including family) do. It’s just the right fit for us! Although I do sometimes dream of a grand future home, I’m realizing that if we never moved again, I would still love this house. It makes me wonder how many people actually stay in a house long enough to pay off their 30-year mortgage.
Whenever we think about moving to a larger home, we ask ourselves, "Would we be any happier?" So far, the answer has never been yes, but that may change someday. I may get the chance to see my 15-year paid off ;)
My husband and I eloped instead of doing the whole wedding thing (certainly helped that I was far more enchanted by the 1940s movie courthouse elopements than traditional weddings)—we married young and spent the money we’d saved from summer gigs to go to Switzerland for two weeks—still don’t regret it!
Yes, eloping would have saved us even more! Thank you for sharing.
My husband and I bought our car used and have now had it almost 11 years. Would we enjoy having a newer car? Likely yes. But it’s also wonderful to own this one and not need to make monthly payments, so we’re sticking it out until it’s essential to upgrade.
We finally had to break down and buy a new-to-us car last year--I was really hoping we could get a few more years out of ours. Wishing you better luck!
Lovely post, and I completely agree with you. We were students when my husband and I met. My original engagement ring was bought for $5 from a street vendor. My husband chose to sell his flute for $200 (which he didn't play any more anyway) because he wanted to get me another ring, then wore my original engagement ring as his wedding band until it wore through and broke a few years later, replaced with a $30 band from Best Buy. I was flabbergasted when I first heard the expression "starter ring" a few years ago-- I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to keep the rings with which they pledged their love.
Mostly I haven't cared a lot what other people think; it's probably easier for me because by nature I am thrifty, resourceful, and have always taken great enjoyment in seeing the potential in items and re-using what would be thrown away-- starting way back when I used my mom's empty thread spools to make tables for my Kiddles dolls. It was always so much more fun to repurpose than get new, pre-made things. I loved going with my mom to thrift and antique stores, looking at old treasures, the wonderful patina of used items, unmatched furniture. The regrets I have are usually about clothes, because I have absolutely no sense of fashion, so too many times I have spent more than I should/wanted on clothing other people recommended because of my uncertainty. I admire how other people look and dress; I just can't put things together, and it's really hard to find clothes that fit me well at 6' tall and slender (taller doesn't necessarily mean bigger!). I'm still no good at it, but at least now nearly all the clothes I buy are secondhand so the investment isn't huge if something doesn't work out, and the only things I buy new are those I am certain about that will last a very long time and are from a company I support for reasons beyond the excellent quality and liking what they make.
Love this, Laura!
Thank you!
P.s. can’t wait to sign up for your workshop with Shira gill!