Opting out of upgrade culture
It's the secret to living small.
When my husband and I got married, we were not dead broke, but we were on a budget.
My husband had proposed to me, with a slim, vintage ring that had been his grandmother’s. (He was lucky to have that option.) My parents had given us some money for the wedding, and friends and family pitched in with wedding expenses in lieu of traditional gifts: One couple contributed a case of sparkling wine, some cousins bought the keg, my dad’s best friend brought fireworks, and our flowers were purchased wholesale and DIYed thanks to our floral designer friend, who also lent us her backyard for the event. I bought my wedding dress on eBay for $99, and my husband wore a suit he already owned. I was keeping track of it all in a complicated, multi-sheet spreadsheet.
When it came to wedding rings, we first considered buying simple ones for a well-known jewelry shop, but when we visited the store, we were floored to discover they’d cost more than $700 a piece. We didn’t even need to make eye contact with one another to confirm that this was out of the question.
So, we ended up going to the Zale’s on the Fulton Mall in Brooklyn (a decidedly unluxurious destination in the summer of 2011). I opted for the slimmest band they sold. Then, after we wed, my humble engagement ring got bent while gardening, and we never summoned the enthusiasm to get it repaired because it would cost more to fix than replace.
Nearly 13 years into marriage, I wouldn’t trade my $89 Zale’s ring for anything. It reminds me of who we were when we got married: A couple just getting started on life who paid attention to every dollar in a way that we rarely do now. I feel both reassured and tender thinking back. We were practical in planning a modest wedding and buying those budget rings, but absolutely dreamy about our future.
I know that lots of people upgrade their wedding and engagement rings because the old rings are symbolic of what they could not afford. But I don’t mind that reminder. To me it’s romantic: I wasn’t marrying this man for the jewelry he could buy me. I was doing it because I was wildly in love.
I tell this story not to cast shame on anyone who splurged on a gorgeous ring or is longing for the future upgrade. If jewelry is important to you and you have the means, I say why not? I tell it because I’m interested in how deeply etched these cultural messages are about consumption.
What does it have to do with living small? There’s similar messaging around spending on our homes. We call a smaller home a “starter house,” for example, with the implication that you will upgrade at a later date. One of the main reasons you might choose not to upgrade to a bigger home is to live within your means. But that decision is about more than just being sensible with your money: It’s about rewiring your brain to stop thinking it’s the necessary or inevitable next step. It’s about questioning all those things we’re “supposed” to spend money on—and when we’re expected to do it.
I’ve never been embarrassed by my humble ring or my small home. I always figured if anyone judged me for those things, they weren’t my kind of people anyway. I wish I could tell you what my parents did or what experiences I had that made me not care because, if deep down, you’re embarrassed about your small home, you’re never going to be content there.
Cultivating a “who cares what they think” attitude has gone a long way towards helping me live small.
What about you? What are some ways that you have chosen not to spend on the things you’re “supposed” to? Or what’s something you spent a lot on that you thought you had to buy, but now you wish you hadn’t? I’d be so curious to hear in the comments.
Related reading from the archive:
Repairs and well-loved things
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Cultivating the ability to not care what people think about your choices is one of the most liberating things you can do in life. I'm a huge fan of an inexpensive wedding and living in line with your values rather than what you're "supposed" to value.
When my husband and I talked about getting married, I told him that if he proposed with a ring that cost more than an international plane ticket in 2017, I would turn him down. He went to three different jewelers who told him I was lying. The fourth jeweler believed him/me but didn't have what he needed so he sent him to the jeweler across the street. who helped him find the perfect small emerald ring for me. We went back to the same jeweler for our wedding bands and had a great experience. Almost seven years later, we both still talk about how much we love this ring. No "upgrades" for us!