Why are birthdays hard?
Let’s discuss.
My family is on the cusp of our birthday season. Over the course of a couple weeks in August, my son, my nieces, my nephew, my mother, and I all have birthdays (there’s a cousins and an uncle in August too). I must confess I have begun to dread it.
Some people don’t enjoy their birthdays because they dislike getting older. For others, their birthdate is tangled up with sad memories. Neither of these is my problem. Somehow I’ve lost the knack for birthday celebrating.
I fail at joyful gift giving. I struggle to plan my son’s birthday parties. I am wracked with guilt if I don’t go to see my parents on their birthdays, nor do I know how best to celebrate them at this stage in life. Worse still, I never quite know what I want to do on my own day, which leads to a lingering sense of this-isn’t-it-ness no matter what I plan.
I don’t know when my birthday aversion kicked in, but it was definitely after having a kid and my parents moved back to the East Coast from California. The pile-up of birthdays (and birthday obligations) is part of what sucked the joy out of my own birthday, but I think the root of my discontent may lie in the abundance of modern life paired with the busyness of adulthood and some deeply ingrained frugality.
I remember clearly a birthday in my early 20s. Underpaid and living in a tiny studio, I bought myself Greek yogurt, fancy granola, and raspberries the day before my birthday to eat in the morning for breakfast–things that felt like great indulgences in that more frugal chapter of my life. I got myself a deli BLT for lunch and sprang for the avocado add-on. I read a book in the sun that afternoon. That night I went to dinner with some friends at a boisterous, cheap Italian place down the street. I have no memory if my parents sent gifts in those years that I lived far away from them. It’s doubtful my friends gave me anything more than a pint of beer. My birthday was just an excuse to splurge on dinner in a restaurant, rather than grabbing a slice before hitting the bar.
I wish I could have held onto those low-stakes expectations for the anniversary of my birth. Did getting older and being able to afford the Greek yogurt everyday of the week raise the stakes? Or am I experiencing disappointment due to some larger societal ideal I’ve been conditioned to desire? Does it simply take more than a BLT and a book to unwind when you’re sandwiched between your kids and parents?
Internet shopping definitely has something to do with my birthday blues. The ability to buy anything with a click has led to a world of zero-surprise birthday gifts. “Send me a link,” my husband will say if I mention I’m admiring something. Sourcing children gifts often turns into the parent sending you a link to something the kid says they want and you clicking buy and send. Joyless and impersonal—transactional even. (I have the same complaints about Christmastime).
Children’s birthday party culture has made it so that a cake and some party games are no longer “enough” for a kid’s celebration. While grown up friends are often too busy to gather. Family celebrations can feel more like work than fun with all the cooking and cleaning involved.
Yesterday, I felt the first pangs of birthday sadness washing over me as my husband ordered the gifts we hoped might bring our son some joy. Somehow the day had snuck up on us once again.(It didn’t help that my dad’s dementia had gotten the better of me this week.)
I am determined to turn this ship around (and I hope that is not just a recipe for even greater birthday season disappointment). So, this is a rare Living Small essay that has no thesis or conclusion. Rather, I’d like to ask for your help. I am eager to unlock happier birthdays, and I suspect I am not alone in my floundering. So here are my questions for you:
How do you make birthdays feel wonderful?
Do you have any low-cost birthday rituals you love?
How do you make gift giving meaningful and fun?
Are there any birthday haters who found a way to love their day?
How has a friend or family member helped to make your birthday great?
How do you cultivate gratitude on your birthday?
Has anyone successfully opted out of celebrating their birthday without feeling sad?
Let’s discuss in the comments? I’ll start by saying the one thing I do love about birthdays is baking elaborate cakes for the people I love. It’s creative and rewarding—and, of course, delicious.
To make up for this week’s somewhat meager musings, I have compiled an extra-long list of links for your perusal below. After our recent trip to Santa Fe, I’ve also updated my New Mexico travel guide for paid subscribers. I have literally planned your trip for you!
What To Do In Santa Fe, Abiquiu and Taos
This is a continuously updated post, originally shared in April 2023.
A Few More Things
The best small-ish space I saw last week was this California-cool home featured on Domino. It checks so many of my personal style boxes (wood paneling, big paper lanterns, arched doorways) and the Vaarnni pendant light I’ve been eyeing for years.
Admiring: I’m eager to lay eyes on this new small-space-friendly collection from IKEA debuting next month. Anyone want to plan a field trip to Big Blue with me? I’m all out of taper candles, so it’s time. I also wanted to praise Pierce and Ward’s second collection for West Elm: So many great pieces.
Listening: If you haven’t tuned in to Bill McKibben’s appearance on Ezra Klein’s podcast yet, go have a listen. I find Bill’s wisdom such a balm in these troubling times.
Cooking: I’ve got another way to use up an abundance of zucchini for you: Amanda Leigh’s simple recipe for a zucchini chickpea fritter. I didn’t have chickpea flour and it worked out just fine with regular old all-purpose. Be patient letting them brown!
Reading: Another garden writer shared this link to a Psychology Today article about “bloomscrolling,” a phrase (and passtime) that delighted me. I keep a separate Instagram account ONLY for following garden content and it is a joy.
Bookmarking: My friend Leonora Epstein updated her Ultimate Home Shopping Guide and it’s such an impressive resource. Bravo!
Most clicked: When Chloe Warner made passing mention of the Sky Chair as “one of the more attractive camping-adjacent nylon chairs out there” in her Small Takes interview, it swiftly became one of the most-clicked links I’ve ever shared. Do I need to do a “camping-adjacent” home round-up?
One last thing: A career of studying plants!
My husband doesn’t like celebrating his birthday. Like, removed his birthday from Facebook, that’s how much. And, he doesn’t like spending money on his birthday. So I’ve never bought him traditional gifts But I’ve found a few ways to celebrate it that he enjoys.
He’s a huge cat lover, so I have what I call a film festival. All of “films” are cat reels from Instagram. I curate it so there are buddy films, romantic comedies, slapstick, comedies, dramas. On his birthday, we cuddle up watching them together. He looks forward to my curated film festival every year.
It sounds simple, but when you don’t have kids, you don’t get birthday cakes. So during the pandemic, I got a birthday cake from Milk Bar. It’s become a tradition. We each have a slice and then freeze it having a small slice as a treat throughout the year.
The last one, most people probably do. We go out to dinner for his birthday and he gets to pick the place, no limitations. Once in a while, that’s just takeout.
Mostly, I think he likes these things because I’ve picked them just for him, they honor his values (he’s not materialistic) and they center on quality time with each other.
I really need similar advice but for Christmas!! I’ve started to dread it because of all the competing desires and expectations at play, plus a weird relationship to stuff/waste/clutter. Gah.