Get out of the house

Why leaving home is the secret to both living small and building community

I was in the middle of interviewing a homeowner for a magazine article I was writing when they said something that sent alarm bells ringing in my head.

I’d asked about their desire to build a large new house, and the person I was interviewing told me that they’d wanted to have everything they wanted right at home. It’s a common sentiment from the type of well-to-do individual whose home is featured in magazines. And I don’t blame them for wanting some luxuries that the rest of us can’t afford–what I wouldn’t give for my own home office! But it was the way this homeowner explained it to me that stopped me in my tracks.

Here’s what they said (condensed for brevity): “We made the game room with a pool table, shuffleboard, and a big-screen TV. We wanted a nice backyard area, so the kids don’t have to go down the street to the park to go throw a ball around or play. We wanted them to be able to do these activities on our own piece of property.” I was somewhat stunned to hear that going to the park was considered undesirable, especially since this family lived in a nice place. I also had a nostalgic ache for teenage summer days spent at the movie theater or the room full of arcade games behind the ice cream shop.

The next day, I clicked over to a popular home design website and was confronted with a headline that celebrated a founder who “never has to leave her oasis” (that home featured a gym, wine room, sauna, cold plunge, home cinema, and a speakeasy bar). This celebration of the desire not to go out into the world feels so wrong to me.

As the well-to-do increasingly cloister themselves inside their own worlds, I can’t help but wonder if these rich, powerful people in their personal fortresses even know what’s going on out in their communities? Maybe they believe the lies that cities like Portland, Los Angeles, and Chicago are crime-ridden hellscapes? Maybe they are not aware of the needs right in their own communities?

Wondering what to think about the billionaires cooped up in their billiards rooms, I called up

Diana Lind

, who writes the excellent newsletter The New Urban Order and is at work on a book about Americans staying at home. I asked Diana about this trend towards bigger homes with increasingly extravagant amenities, and she told me it’s been “a century long slide” towards people doing more in their private domain rather than out in their community. Technology and the pandemic have accelerated this retreat from communal spaces.

Diana points out “the great retreat” (as she calls it) isn’t just happening in mansions, everyone is spending more time at home. Citing research published in Sociological Science, she highlights that Americans now spend an average of 99 more minutes at home each day than they did in 2003 (the statistics are even worse for young people).

This withdrawing into our own private domains has cascading effects. For example, when we stream all our movies at home, the local theater loses business, and eventually shuts down. When people stop going to offices, the nearby coffee shops lose half their customers and raise their prices to make up the loss (hence, that $7 latté).

In my first book, I wrote about getting outside as a solution to going a little stir-crazy cooped up in a tiny apartment. I suggested that the library, the park, the local playground, or your neighborhood café are all third places you can escape to when you need a little breathing room. What I failed to mention is the wonderful things that happen when you do get out: You run into neighbors, you meet fellow parents, you might get on a first name basis with the librarian, and the barista knows your coffee order. In small ways, you strengthen your ties to your community. But you have to get out and you have to engage (not just walk around listening to podcasts or staring at a screen).

Diana is writing a whole book about how to get people out of their homes (hint: maintain our local public institutions and remove regulatory barriers that prevent people from starting IRL businesses). However, as Diana wrote in a recent opinion piece for the Washington Post it starts with us changing how we view the outside world. “We should treat ‘getting out’ as a necessary health intervention rather than an optional luxury or a work burden,” she wrote. “This might mean budgeting time and money differently, recognizing that the cheapest and easiest option—staying in—is costing us something else. Our health and our communities are worth the extra effort.”

I took these words to heart. In the past five years working from home I have become too much of a homebody. So, I’ve been making it a point to say ‘yes’ when I am invited to events or when a colleague asks to meet for coffee¹. I’m carving out some budget for babysitters and in-person yoga classes because I know it’s worth it to see my friends and neighbors more. Just a couple weeks into this experiment, I am seeing the benefits: Meeting new people, making connections, and finding new story ideas along the way.

It seems like everyone is talking about how to create community these days (and thank goodness they are!). I know it can feel impossible to host in a small home, and that as a time-strapped parent it can be hard to participate in local community groups. These small everyday acts of being out in our communities can make us feel a little less isolated. I encourage you to give it a try.

So here’s a small goal: Get out of your home more–no matter what its size.

+ Your turn: What’s getting you out of the house these days? What are some small ways you’re connecting with your neighbors? Please share in the comments!

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Further reading:

Live within your means

The Stories Our Amazon Carts Tell

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A Few More Things

The best small space I saw last week as a London apartment featured in House & Garden. I too have long admired that Hans Olsen table and I love what the interior window does for the flat.

Admiring: The much-celebrated Pierce & Ward collection for West Elm has been restocked. I stopped into the Kinto store in SoHo and found the ceramic dishes very appealing. This sunny bathroom renovation from The Design Files made me smile.

Writing: A piece I wrote about designer Susan Galvani’s Charleston apartment for the November issue of Better Homes & Gardens is up online, if you’re curious. You can also find a lovely, sustainable garden tour I wrote over on Gardenista.

One last thing: Can’t wait for this.

1. New Yorkers, want to meet up?