Finding balance for kids and screens

It's possible with 18 tips from Katherine Martinko's new book Childhood Unplugged

Photo by Lluvia Morales on Unsplash

“Can I pleeeease play Subway Surfers today?” my son begged in a whiny tone.

“No,” I snapped back, more forcefully than I meant to. 

“It’s so unfair!” he bellowed, as he stormed off.

I’m sure this exchange sounds familiar to parents, but this was extra, he’d been asking all day long. It was my own fault: My husband and I let him overindulge the day before when we were both occupied cleaning and readying our home for guests. Now, he was itching for more.

Screen time crept up on my family. Pre-pandemic, my kid hadn’t watched TV or played video games–he was only four. But during kindergarten he was issued a laptop, and the school even gave the kids game time as a reward. Other kids from his school showed him how to access various games. I figured this was a fix for the social distancing era of school, but the screens didn't go away. If anything the school seemed to double down on them: A promethean board in the classroom, Go Noodle or video “brain breaks” instead of actual playtime, movies in music class to reward good behavior, and more movies in the auditorium in lieu of recess half the days the week because there’s not enough space for the all kids to play.

At home, I try to steer our kid away from video games, but I occasionally allow him to play ones I think seem harmless, like the PBS Kids games, but it seems even these “harmless” games could turn my kid into a screen time addict jonesing for more. 

So it was with great curiosity that I learned that

Katherine Johnson Martinko

had written a book about reducing screens in kids’ lives, titled Childhood Unplugged. A long-time contributor to TreeHugger, I have read so many of Katherine’s articles over the years that I’ve gotten to feel like I know her. We see the world through similar lenses; here, for example, is an essay she wrote on raising kids in a relatively small house that I loved. She also write a Substack newsletter called The Analog Family.

Last month Katherine and I talked by phone about how parents like me can put the advice in her book into action.

Speaking of her motivation to write the book, Katherine told me, “Parenting shifted between 2009 when I had my first kid and 2011 when I had my second kid. And the difference is that the iPad was released in 2010. Parents immediately incorporated the iPad into their daily routine: It seemed like parents were whipping out these tablets everywhere I went. Admittedly it was a parent’s dream come true: this magic device that would instantly placate a child, no matter where they were. But this troubled me a bit. I mean, I didn't even have a smart phone at the time.”

As the years went by, Katherine says she noticed less interaction between kids at playdates because they would be on devices and less interaction between parents and their kids because they're looking at screens. At the same time, Katherine was writing a lot about the importance of outdoor play and nature's influence on children’s development for TreeHugger and keeping her own kids off of screens.

“I started to connect the dots that there is a connection between having this very engaging, addictive source of entertainment and an unwillingness to play outside because it seems boring by comparison.”

A decade later, with three mostly screen-free kids Katherine found herself getting grilled by other parents: How did she do it: How did she keep her kids off screen? Parents wanted  another way and they wanted guidance. It prompted Katherine to pitch her book idea and eventually write Childhood Unplugged. Here are a few of the takeaways from her book and our conversation:

Define why you want to limit screen time

“For me, it's everything that they would miss out on if screens are allowed to overtake the majority of their free time,” says Katherine. “The average amount of time that a preteen is spending on devices outside of school hours is 5 1/2  hours, and teenagers are spending 8 ½.

I'm not anti technology, but I am against letting it take over your life. If you're spending that much time on the devices, you are not doing all the other things that are fundamental parts of a well-rounded childhood.”

Aim for less not zero

“I took Cal Newport’s term “digital minimalism” and I use it to describe our family. I think people can understand better where I’m coming from when I say that we're digital minimalists, as opposed to a screen-free family, which isn't entirely accurate,” she says.

Look at your own screen use

“I think adults also need to consider their own amount of screen time and the examples that they're setting for their kids,” says Katherine. “That’s a helpful place to start.” If you’re glued to your phone passively scrolling through Instagram, it’s a lot harder to be firm about your kids’ screen time. 

Delay, stall, and delay some more

Delay is key, especially with younger kids, says Katherine. Wait to introduce them to TV and tablets. Hold off on video games. Postpone the first phone. “There's so little time to be a child and to inhabit a creative, play-filled environment. And there's so much time to be tied to screens, to our email and our text messages, and all of these other things that come with adulthood.” 

Cut down on the number of devices you own

Fewer devices = less temptation. “We don't have a lot of devices in the house, which I think really helps,” says Katherine, who doesn’t own a TV or any iPads. She and her husband each have a smartphone but they’re holding off on getting one for their oldest child, who is starting high school next year. The parents each have a laptop for work and they have one shared family desktop in a communal space that the kids can use. The kids occasionally want TV or movies on their parents’ laptops, which is the same arrangement we have in my home (we don’t have a TV either).

Don’t give the kids their own device

Young kids shouldn't have any devices that they can access just freely on their own, especially not a device that is connected to the internet. If your kid has a tablet, it should be stored out of sight, and don’t call it “Katie’s iPad” refer to it as “our iPad,” so the child does not feel possessive and entitled to the device.

Avoid a screen time budget

A set amount of daily or weekly screen time can actually backfire. “I prefer to avoid creating a predetermined amount of time that they're allowed to spend online each week because it could then start to create problems,” says Katherine. “In my experience, the child starts to feel entitled to that time.” A sentiment that will ring true to any parent whose child has been indignant about not getting their screen time—even if it was because they were doing something more fun, like going to the park. “Plus, there are weeks when they get more and I don't want them to feel like I'm starting to let the standard slide,” she adds.

Save screen time for a rainy day

Katherine prefers to save screen time for rainy days or for weekends, with maybe a little more screen time in the winter than in the summer. Her kids also got a lot of extra screen time in the six months when they were living in a rental with no yard during renovation of their own home. 

Do something that’s more fun

“The priority is always to fill your time with other more constructive things that will make the screens less appealing,” says Katherine. This is the same advice my friend who is a mother of three boys who never play video games told me when I asked how she managed their desire to play them: Make real life more fun. This can be hard for working parents to execute. I either need to have dinner prepped before I get my son or my spouse available to cook in order make a playground trip instead of TV time at home, but I know the extra playtime is worth it.

Make screen time social

When her kids watch a movie, which happens about once a week, Katherine encourages them to watch together. Likewise, Katherine allows her kids to play video games online with their friends at a specified time that they will set up in advance. “It's a treat—something special that they get to do every now and then. It's an attempt to let them stay somewhat connected with their friends and be aware of what's going on without letting [video games] take over,” she says.

Everything in moderation

Katherine draws a hard line at any violent games, but I was surprised to learn that she allows her kids to play Minecraft, a game I've been avoiding because it feels like the kids who play it only want to talk about Minecraft. But she says, “It's mainly a constructive game. It seemed like it was a lot more of a positive game experience than Fortnite, which all of their friends were playing. In an ideal world I would limit [video games] completely, but I'm a realist, and I think there's ways to find games that are enjoyed in small doses and that are constructive.” 

Go ahead, change the rules

If you realize you don’t like something you had previously allowed, it’s okay to change your mind. Katherine says she started to play Roblox for 30 minutes a week. “I didn't like the chat feature, and they weren't allowed to use it, but because I found it quite alarming that you could potentially talk to strangers, we limited Roblox and then phased it out.” Yes, your kid will protest, but you’re the parent.

Keep their book stash fresh

To balance the appeal of the screen time, Katherine makes more visits to the library to stock up on fresh reading material. “Kids really will engage with stacks of interesting books they've collected in the library,” she says. Books on tape count too: My own son has been raptly listening to The Lightning Thief, something I offer when he’s asking for screen time (or I just need a break).

Hold off on the smartphone

These days many parents get their child a smartphone when they enter middle school, but Katherine urges you to wait as long as you can. And when you do get your child a phone, start with a flip phone or some sort of simple technology like a Gizmo Watch, which allows calls from a few predetermined numbers. “Why do so many parents jump from the kid not having any tech at all to giving them a smartphone, which is some of the most advanced technology we have?” she asks. Instead, determine what the actual need for the phone is and then decide what simple device can fulfill it.

Get the tech out of the teen’s bedroom

Children (and grownups!) should never be sleeping with a phone in their room. If your kids already have phones, take them away at night, and not just at bedtime: Katherine recommends putting the phone away an hour or two leading up to bed. “Kids, even older ones, generally should not have access to technology in a bedroom in any form. Whether it's a tablet, laptop, or TV, it really is having an impact on adolescents' quality of sleep,” she cautions.

Limit social media to desktop use

A tip Katherine picked up from Jean M. Twenge, the author of iGen and a professor of psychology at San Diego University: Teenagers should access social media on a desktop computer instead of through apps on their phones. “That way they can still maybe have Instagram, or look at TikTok, but it's just not in their pockets accessible every single second of the day,” says Katherine. (Pssst… this works for adults too.) And if your kid is accessing social media from a desktop in a communal space, you can keep an eye on what they’re consuming.

Be flexible about what happens outside of home

“I don't presume to limit what they do when they go to their friends' houses,” says Katherine. “I encourage them not to play violent games because they know my stance on that. But I would never say to another parent ‘You can take my kid today, but don't let them do this, this, and this.’ So I know that they do get exposure when they're with their friends. It scratches that itch for them a bit, and then they come home, and they know it's done differently here.”

Wheel out that old chestnut ‘If your friends jumped off a bridge…” 

All this may sound well and good, but if your kid is like mine, you’re sure to get resistance. Stay firm. “I often tell my kids that just because everyone else is doing something does not mean that we have to do it, too,” says Katherine of how she deals with pushback. “They'll complain and say, ‘Why can't we be more like other families?’ And I tell them, ‘You're free to do what you want when you have your own family, but based on the research that I've done, this is the best effort that I can make at raising you.’”

So what does reducing screen time a have to do with living small?

This was a question I posed to Katherine at the end of our call. “I do think that it's all connected,” she said. “Psychologically, when you get off devices, it shifts your priorities because the online world is a very consumerist world. You're being bombarded with ads and influencers telling you to buy things, look a specific way, and do certain things. It can falsify a person's perspective on the world. It just feeds this whole cycle of consumption.”

“When you put it away and you go outside, I think you start to realize what matters in life, which is nature, relationships, and experiences. The more time people spend outdoors, which happens when they're off their devices, the better you get to know the natural world and the more inclined you are to protect it. You have to know the natural world, if you want to advocate for it. With the current generation not spending time outside, I worry they may not really realize what is at stake.”

I’m so grateful to Katherine for sharing her wisdom with the LIVING SMALL community. Below you’ll find Katherine’s recommendations for further reading, including a book that impacted me deeply. You’ll also find my usual round-up of LIVING SMALL links; I’ve got a couple killer recipes, a cuuuute little house, and some delicious gardening content to share. Thanks for reading, friends!

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Further reading

Katherine Martinko’s book Childhood Unplugged is available wherever books are sold including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Bookshop.org. It’s so full of wisdom and research. If you enjoyed this newsletter, I highly recommend reading the whole book.

Katherine mentioned this recent article by Get The Phones Out of School Now by Jonathan Haidt for The Atlantic, and it’s a great read. Sharing this article on anti-dopamine parenting again, in case any of you missed it two weeks back.

If you want to learn more about the importance of outside play, pick up Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv and the follow-up Vitamin N (as in Nature), which has lists of activities that parents can do to spend more time outside. 

Both Katherine and I were blown away by Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. The book is now “I think he really got at the root of a lot of issues that are troubling people these days,” says Katherine. 

Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport is geared to adults, not kids; Katherine describes it as “a philosophical dive into everything you gain by putting screens where they belong, and everything you stand to lose by spending so much time on them.”

Tiffany Slain's book 24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week popularized the idea of a digital Sabbath, where you turn off their devices for 24 hour every single week. While Katherine has tried a digital day off, it’s not a weekly practice she adopted, but she did appreciate Slain’s insights on the influence of digital media in our lives and why we should strive to reduce it.

Living Small Links

Writing.

I penned a little love letter to slow shopping for my friends at Helen Milan. I also wrote about how interior design firms can reduce their paper waste for The Business of Home. RealSimple.com tapped me to write about organizing LEGOs. One recent story I was particularly please with is this piece on edimentals for Gardenista.

They’re calling this one “California romantic.” Swoon.

Formal landscaping with native plants? Margaret Roach says, “Yes, it’s possible.”

My pal interior designer Emily Butler worked her magic on a garage-turned-guest-suite—and it is SO good.

To simplify and streamline permitting, the City of Seattle has developed 7 pre-approved ADU designs that homeowners can license for just $750 to $1,000. Here’s an example of one of them in Dwell. Olympia, Washington, Santa Cruz, California and South Bend, Indiana all have similar programs.

NPR’s Life Kit is visibly mending!

Whether you deemed it a warm salad or a room-temperature noodle dish, this simple soba recipe from Mark Bittman’s long-ago The Minimalist column was fast and fresh. I bookmarked this chickpea salad, which Jenna told me would be just as delicious without the chorizo and it was.

Don’t miss The Minimalista Edit, a new Substack newsletter from my friend and fellow author

Shira Gill